She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We got so high we made milksteak
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
