I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
