Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So squirting runs in the family.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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