I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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