Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
