Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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