Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
