I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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