so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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