Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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