Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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