If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
