Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
