the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
