Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
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The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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