Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
