my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
