I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
