It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize