if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Boobs are out for the taking
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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