I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
