My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
