All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
