Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
