dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
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I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
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