What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
then he tried to convert me to islam
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
