omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
