so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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