Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
