Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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