saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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