She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
