Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
