I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
