Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
