Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
whose parrot is this?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
