Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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