I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
