i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
