I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
