the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
