my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
she told me i tasted like america
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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