we have pet lesbian snakes
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
