i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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