my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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