he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
