I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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