ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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