Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
