I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
