I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
whose parrot is this?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
