i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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