I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
