There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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