Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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