As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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