Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
