K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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