That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
