Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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